the lost art of buddyship
...written on Monday, Jan. 17, 2005, @ 6:15 p.m.
this is a continuation from yesterday's entry. we need a few close friends who can understand our struggles and provide us with protection. this might sounds wrong for a guy to say that but i think its completely logical. afterall, all humans are weak, thats y we need God. like wise, its good to have people to talk to apart from God. i think u all should know what i mean right?
one reason y most guys dun have close friends is because they dun have time to build friendship. when a guy has a free moment,he wants to unwind. he'd rather just recreate with other guys and keep the conversation at a superficial level. that way, he can recharge emotionally, without the burden of any emotional baggage.
the downside for guys is that we have no one with whom that we can share our inner self. and when a man reflects on the absense of close friends, he feels lonely. this is especially true during our teenage days. thus explains y alot of guys go choose to go into relationship at this phase of their life.
developing close friends take time. it involves being there to listen and help pull a friend together when that friend's life is falling apart. it demands a willingness to let someone be there for us. it involves hanging out togehter and sharing innermost struggles, fears, disappointment and victories. it demands TIME!!
another reason y men dun haf close friends is because we see other boys more as competitors than friends. we view them as threats to our future success. consequently we become more guarded around them. we learn to hide our weaknesses to avoid giving others the upper hand. its not that we're paranoid. we're not. or so we tell ourselves. even our closest friend dun really know us. they think of us as a pleasant man who is doing well with life. but all they see is the tip of an iceberg. they dunno the part of us that's driving, competative, hurting, frightened.
we're comfortable talking to guys about inconsequencial things, but we resist talking about our inner desires, struggles and failures. yet spiritual growth demands that men develop intimate friendships with otehr men. we need friends with whom we can share our darkest sin and greatest triumphs, friends that can help us stand when we're tempted and lift us up when we fall, friends whom we can provide with the same kind of support.
david and johnathon had that kind of friendship. after the death of jonathan, david lamented, " i grieve for u, johnathon my brother; u were very dear to me. your love for me was wonderful, more wonderful than that of women"
- 2 sam 1:26
according to a book that i am reading now, there are 4 phases to a friendship, namely the
1) scratch my back phase
its simple. as long as both guys benefit, the relationship will continue. when mutual benefits ends, the relationship will fade.
2) the recreational phase
we talked about common interest. the relationship revolved around that interest or even common activity thus, thre isn't a need for intimacy.
3) the friendship phase
both men havea natural affinity- that is, if they genuinely enjoy each other's company. when they talk, neither feels that he must be right. when they play, neither has to win. they genuinely celebrate the successes of each other and like to talk about a variety of subjects. unlike the teo previous phases, in this phase a amn will offer aid to his friend and inquire if he's sick.
4) the buddyship phase
we become buddies with a guy only after our friendship has survived a crisis that threatens to destroy the relationship. the breach is frequently created by an act of insensitivity that inflicts deep pain.it reveals the personal weaknesses and vulnerabilities that hadn't been seen before. both guys are wounded and face the temptation to abandon the friendship. in fact, it seems like the easiest thing to do. at this point the friendship is teetering on the brink of destruction. the two guys will either part and never be as close again or they'll work through the vrisis and become buddies. growth in the relationship occurs when they conclude that the friendship is more impt than their wounds. it takes palce when each sees the weaknesses in his friend and decides to remain friends. guys who survive this crisis enter into friendship that possesses deep trust. they know their has seen them at their worse andexcepts them anyway. they now know that they have a friend who will be there for them regardless of what happens.
here is how the author's friend describes the relationship.
there is a sense of warmth and empathic understanding and comfort when one person is feeling weak, acting foolish, or being vulnerable. in these instances one buddy gets stability and nourishment from the other. there is a happy, mutual sharing of resources, both material and emotional. the competative element is inconsequential and a win for one becomes a win for both. the brother-brother dimension of buddyship is one in which each looks out for one another, protecting him from exploitation.
As men who wants to be pure, we're involved in a spiritual struggle. since that's the case, we need buddies whose faith will enable them to challenge us to godliness, confront us when we're wrong, and comfort us when we're discouraged.
the first thing that we should look out for in a potential buddy is a devotion to christ.he dun have to be perfect, but he needs to have a desire to grow in his relationship with Christ. at some point in a relationship, we have to make a commitment to stick with a friends no matter what the cost. the reason y i say this is because like what i mentioned earlier on, 'both guys are wounded and face the temptation to abandon the friendship'. when we commit ourselves to maintain this friendship, abandoning ur buddy won't be an option. this is sort of like a safe guarding system, not allowing satan to tempt us to give up on our friendship.
As a symbol of commitment, Johnathon gave David a valuable gift (his sword which at that time was quite rare, only the prince and a few other men could have it).in doing so, he was saying, " all i ahve is yours."
while u and i dun such valuable gifts, we do have something of greater value we can give a buddy. its something that i shared earlier on: Time. there is nothing u can give a buddy that is worth more than your time.
i guess thats all that i hae to say. by the way, i extracted the information from the book by Bill perkins- when good men are tempted. u can borrowed it from renzi if u're interested. but then again, its more for older guys as it talked about temptations of flesh, if u know what i mean. yup.